Recently I was in discussion with a few young bachelors. We were talking about life in general, survival in Nigeria, the ease of making ends meet and how to succeed in life. One of them attended my last seminar on success with family, finance and the future. He began to share some of the lessons and values I shared and he asked for further clarification on an ideology I advocated.
His friends too found it a bit confusing and I had to explain to them again what exactly I meant. Incidentally according to them and based on my observation, there is an orientation that is rife and popular right now and it absolutely contravenes the real essence, purpose and balance in marriage.
I have been criticized by so many people about my stand on this matter but I understand their reasons for criticizing me. It’s because the situation is in their favour; to their advantage and they wouldn’t want to align with objectivity.
It’s all about marriage in purpose and responsibility. I’ve heard it often said by many parents to their female children that they should do all they can to succeed in school and get a good job because nowadays men don’t want to marry a woman who’s a liability. I really find such statements appalling as I immediately begin to think in my mind that, is it then okay for a lady to marry a man that is a liability?
I look at our society today and I feel so sorry for many single ladies who are making phenomenal mistakes when it comes to the very important matter of marriage as many of them are settling down with just anybody because they want to escape the pressure from especially family members to get married.
Many single ladies today are under severe pressure from parents, aunties, uncles and even siblings and friends to go and get married. I find this pressure satanic and unfair as I’m sure no single lady would find a responsible loving and caring man wanting to marry her and she would say no.
I’m sure no single lady in her right senses would meet the man of her dreams and refuse to marry him. How fair is it to pressurize the female singles to marry by all means and when they resolve not to marry a man who is obviously a liability everyone says they are too picky or too choosy. Yet the pressure is on them not to be a liability to any man, but it doesn’t matter if they marry a man that is a liability simply because she’s the woman.
When a woman decides to settle down and marry a man who is obviously a liability we all say ha; she’s so humble, the man doesn’t even have a job, he has nothing, yet she married him, to everyone it is humility, but if the reverse is the case, even if the man has a good job, everyone still puts the woman under pressure to be useful and productive and for her not to be a liability to the man even if he can provide everything, no one says to the man, wow, you’re so humble and responsible you married the woman even though she doesn’t have a job, a degree and doesn’t fit your pedigree, oh, the man is so humble, how unfair!
Why is the pressure so much on the single ladies and the married woman in matters of marriage? Why is the man allowed to get away with so much but the woman can’t? Why is she always at the disadvantage in these matters? The young guys I referred to at the start of my conversation tonight said to me they can’t marry a woman without a job because they do not want liability and I shook my head and told them they were babies.
It’s really amazing and amusing, how can any man, who believes he is a man be interested in a collaboration with his wife when it comes to matters of marriage? You don’t ask a woman to collaborate with you in marriage, you ask a woman to help you in marriage. A woman I believe is a helper, in marriage, a help mate as they are popularly called. Now if they are helpers, then it means the whole responsibility in marriage is the man’s, the woman is supposed to come help him with his responsibility.
A man that rejects taking full responsibility in marriage and for his family automatically relinquishes his power as the head of the home.
It is unfair and wicked to ask the woman to carry equal responsibility with the man in marriage but can’t share the power in decision making
If you’re marrying a collaborator and not a helper, then decision making MUST be mutual and not yours as the man alone, to make.
Be fair my man, how can you expect the woman to do as much as you do, contribute as much and at times even more, sacrifice so much as well then you say she lacks the power to make decision over or in a family where she’s investing so much, you say she doesn’t have a say just because you’re the man. It’s not fair.
Please listen to me sir, being a man is not a matter of gender; it means responsibility. If you lack the guts, the maturity and ability to take responsibility for that woman you want to marry or you’re married to and the children please check again, you’re just a male not a man.
Well you can blame it on the economy and the high cost of living and all that, well truth is it is not her fault. You can’t blame her or hold her responsible for how Nigeria is today. In fact the state of the nation is a good test for how mature and responsible you are as a man.
Your contemporaries are getting all the good jobs, making good money and doing well in life despite the economy because they are man enough to be disciplined, to study hard, to improve themselves and enhance their intelligence. They are doing the right thing at the right time. You are probably lazing around waiting for someone somewhere to help you get a job. You don’t have so much knowledge about you profession and your industry hence you’re failing every interview and job test, yet you know the history of Arsenal, Man U, and Chelsea from 1920 till date. You can spend hours of weekends watching football games, while your contemporaries are in their weekend classes for their post graduate programs and master’s degrees. At the end of the day, they get the good jobs and you don’t, and you make excuses that its connection. These guys paying the price for good success; disciplined guys working very hard are taking care of their women big time, buying them crystals and gold, paying for their trips abroad for shopping and proposing to them with diamond rings and brand new cars, you’re telling your own girlfriend to suffer with you on okada, bikes and buses and rain is beating you together and you’re consoling them to suffer with you that it is a prove they love you. Chai!
Please understand me, I’m not saying it is wrong for a woman to endure with a man, I’m saying the man must show he is going somewhere. Not full of excuses and blames. He can’t be lazy, distracted with sports and partying around and hanging out with the guys and say the woman must not be a liability, the man is the king of liabilities.
Listen to me my dear friend, a man is not qualified to get married no matter how old if he doesn’t have a sense of direction in life. Marriage is traditionally about a man on a journey asking a woman to come along on the journey. A man that is yet to know where he is going does not have the right to ask for a companion no matter how old. Let me tell you this, maturity has nothing to do with age; it’s absolutely a sense of responsibility. The first proof of a man’s maturity is evident in the way he sees, treats and relates with his wife.
A man does not have to dress well, look so nice; wear all the expensive stuff if his wife and children are doing it. A man’s glory is not in his appearance, it’s in the quality of his family life.
Your designer wear, gold wristwatch, powerful shoes and expensive outfits and perfume means nothing if you can’t take care of your family, in fact you’re worse than an infidel.
If your mates and contemporaries are doing it legitimately, what is your excuse? Stop punishing and frustrating your woman because, you’re clueless on how to succeed and manage your life profitably.
Your mates are doing it, ask them how, make the sacrifice they’re making, your life is more valuable than football, food, movies and wasting hours discussing politics and other stories around the world with your gang. Invest in yourself, invest in your brain, stay awake at night to study, go for the program; learn what you need to learn.
If you’re struggling in life look inward first before blaming anything around you. Looking un-to a woman to help you carry your responsibility as a man I’m afraid is so not mature.
See, marriage is not joint responsibility, it is your responsibility as the man and she’s to assist. If she’s leaving her family, changing her location, adopting your name and birthing the babies, sir what then is your own sacrifice in the marriage; in the union if she’s still expected to work so hard to pay bills, clothe the family, feed the family and still cater for herself, sir, what is your own sacrifice?
I find it ridiculous when some men complain that women love money, what should they love, poverty and lack? Truth is women don’t even love money as well as men do, women are just interested and excited about what money can buy.
Marriage and relationship for the woman should be a promotion not a demotion. She must be leaving her father’s house and giving up her father name for something better than her father can provide, not something inferior.
Many men want the sophisticated well trained lady that the father has made huge investments in, but feel it is wrong for a woman to look for a successful, sophisticated man who has made good investment in himself, if she does, she’s materialistic; she likes money.
Dear friend, if you really want to know your real value as a man, simply ask if your sister can marry someone like you; ask her to be truthful and sincere, your mum may not tell you the truth because she doesn’t want to upset you but I promise you, a nice sister would, you may be shocked at her response.
My dear man, a woman is an epitome of treasure, to be pampered and enhanced. A woman is the glory of the man, she is his crown. When your woman is happy with you, you will be a happy man, you will succeed, you will progress; you will find favour. If she’s unhappy with you, even is she says nothing, doors of favour and good luck may be shut against you, believe me, many men underrate the power of the covenant of s3x.
In my opinion, I believe s3x is not primarily for making babies, babies are the blessing from s3x, s3x is not also just for fun or pleasure, the fun actually makes the experience exciting, the real purpose of s3x, I believe is to connect destinies and fortunes. Every time you sleep with your wife it’s like an oath, a covenant, her destiny supports and enhances yours. When she’s unhappy with you, there is disunity and you will struggle. Be interested in her dreams, passion and ambition, sponsor her desires to succeed in life as well, I tell you it’s in your interest my man.
Dear friend, Maturity is you taking responsibility for your woman, love her, care for her, take care of her needs, don’t harass, oppress or intimidate her. Don’t abuse her verbally or physically or psychologically. Be graceful towards, her, help her with her weakness; don’t judge her always with it. You have your weaknesses too my friend.
Maturity is taking responsibility, marriage is about your vision, your mission, your destination and your strategy, her role is to help you with all these.
I dare say, a man lacking in vision, mission, purpose and destination is not qualified to ask for any woman’s hand in marriage no matter his age. You can’t ask for help if you’re not busy doing anything or going anywhere. Marriage is not meant for producing grand-children for your parents, don’t get it twisted. Marriage is responsibility, and the responsibility is primarily yours as the man; she is a helper. If you look well and ask people who would tell you the truth, you may just be the liability.
Think it, do it, achieve it and be the ultimate man, it’s all in your mind!
Written By : Muyiwa Afolabi